You Never Arrive
“The punchline of life really is that you can’t become happy, you can only be happy.”
Introduction
I recently answered a question on Quora asking what advice I would give myself ten years ago. Interestingly, a few days later, a similar question came up as part of an icebreaker exercise for a work meeting.
Ten years ago I was out of shape, unhealthy, struggling in my career, and generally off track and lost. If I had told myself then that today I would be where I am as far as career success, financial independence, physical health, and overall quality of life, I think I would have assumed that my life today would be in a constant state of bliss.
But as great as I know my life is now, every circumstance produces its share of new problems. While we can accomplish many goals, fulfillment is always short-lived. We develop a new goal and continue battling life as we now know it. Worse, human nature is that we only compare ourselves to others who are even better than we are.
I make good money, but I look at those who make more in envy. I am in great shape, but I see people online who are bigger, stronger, and more fit. I forget how many people are behind me.
Even when surfing, I spend most of my time looking at the top-tier surfers in the lineup who seem to dance on top of the biggest waves. It takes a concerted effort to look back near the beach, where the beginners are riding the shorebreak, and recognize how far I have come in my skills.
My Advice
My advice to my younger self is to understand that you never arrive.
Human psychology is the culprit. It’s the hedonic treadmill in action.
We did not evolve to become happy. Evolution does not care about your happiness. We evolved to successfully share our genes. This is why we will always strive to be better than we are. At every step of life, we will find a new set of problems to solve.
“If all your problems or perceived causes of suffering or unhappiness were miraculously removed for you today, but you had not become more present, more conscious, you’d soon find yourself with a similar set of problems or causes of suffering, like a shadow that follows you wherever you go.”
Key To Happiness
Recognizing this seems to be the key to happiness and contentment.
If my goal in life is to be happy, and I understand that I will always have problems to solve, then I understand the path to happiness is to make my peace with solving problems. To learn to enjoy this process.
We will never arrive at a place in time where we are without challenges. In fact, many of the challenges yet to come may be more difficult than any we have experienced in the past.
Understanding we will never arrive is not meant to be depressing. It’s a path to understanding our purpose here and how we can achieve happiness and joy.
“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality.”
Alan Watts describes life as a dance. That’s the essence of the yin and yang. The interaction between the good and the bad is what brings about harmony. You can’t have pleasure without pain, and vice versa.
This means that happiness must be achieved by finding peace and contentment with the pattern of problems and challenges they present.
I forget this often myself. It’s easy to get carried away dreaming about a better future.
In Conclusion
On my mind lately is the notion of a post-work life. As if not having an income and finding myself with an extra 40-50 hours a week free won’t create a whole new set of challenges to overcome. Or the idea of living out of the country. As if living in a less developed part of the world for longer than a short stay won’t have its share of misery.
Both of these may be worthy pursuits. But the fool’s errand is associating this future life with greater happiness and contentment. Greater happiness will come from achieving a state of being in which I joyfully tackle the many challenges these roads will take, as well as the challenges I face today.
My goal in life is to achieve as much happiness as I can. I imagine deep down, most people share a similar goal, though it might be described in terms of wealth, love, or other means.
But happiness is not an end game. It’s a lifestyle.